Christmas, December 25, 2017
Yes, beloved, Christmas does fall on the 25th every year.
Beren asked to sleep over my parents' house. He had said he would like to a week ago, and we all thought it was a joke or something he simply said.
And then Christmas night, he slept over. Back at home, I waited for a call to come back and pick him up. No call.
Jared and I sat near the woodstove, talking in the semi-darkness. It has been awhile. There was alot to talk about.
I had carrying some deep feelings for some time. Way back things, feelings I have not been able to resolve.
You know how you hear that you just have to "sit with something". I have f*cking sat with this set of feelings. I have sat on them. I have looked at them. Looked at how I thought about the feelings, felt about the feelings. I have examined myself. I have dragged the feelings around and I have socked the feelings in the eye. I have boxed 'em up, and periodically taken them of the shelf, and said, hello.
Recently, I wanted to say goodbye. To send those feelings up to the spirits and let the wind carry them away and rain them down in snow and rain until they were non-material, beautiful and different.
Jared listened until I was finished and quietly said, "Trust your feelings." This is not something I had yet done.