Some books are for the toilet, not for reading in the toilet, but for placing into the toilet

This skipper nearly jumped off his liatris when he read The American Meadow Garden. "Can you believe this fountain grass b******t? I'm hungry, damn it. Can't eat that crap. Gotta go, some lady is trying to take my picture."

The library - what a great place. I'll pay more taxes to keep the local library going. Where else can you go and return something used, wrinkled, water-stained, scratched besides Bed Bath and Beyond? That's the way many patrons (SIDEBAR: Sorry, I will not use the newly adopted term "customer" to refer to a "library patron." One does not purchase anything from the library. One pay taxes or possibly donates funds to support the library's mission and services. One utilizes the circulating collection, requests assistance from skilled librarians, researches the reference books, investigates Lexus Nexus, or plays Free Cell on the computers.) hmm...back to patrons, what was I saying?

I am an avid library patron. I love browsing the shelves and taking books out, and then immediately returning them when I find I hate the author's attitude. I've recently read several books about babies, and my husband can assure you that I am going f***ing nuts from it. Dear authors: please write a pamphlet instead of a 436 page book and save a tree (or a fir, spruce, maple, aspen, or birch pulpwood plantation). My son needs oxygen to breathe.

Other than the parade of child rearing books, we recently picked up The American Meadow Garden by John Greenlee and Saxon Holt. For the love of god, man, do your research and stop with the whimsy. Chinese silvergrass is not a species of the American meadow. It is a weed that trashes wet and dry meadows and barrens. Goodbye, meadowlark habitat; hello, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon fight scene setting.

Under the section "The Wicked Ones" which discusses problem species, "Rubus", not even "Rubus sp." is noted as a Eurasian plant. Last I checked there were plenty of native Rubus species.

Worse yet, Greenlee captions a photograph of a lupine meadow, "This meadow of lupines is being invaded by Johnson grass (Sorghum halepense). Sometimes weeds can be managed and actually work as groundcover grasses." (p. 235) For those of us who are land stewards or land managers, we smell the glyphosate and begin calculating the best time to treat an invasive species interspersed among the best of our native species.

I'm sure this book is on some landscape architect's plate glass table, on shelves of a fanciful fire escape gardener's bookshelf, and a garden club's reading list...

I paid taxes for this crap? Excuse me, can I speak with the manager? You know, I have been a customer of this library for years, and never, I mean, never have I...